And Yet Again!

So, yeah, its been a while since I have posted anything.  I know, I'm bad.  But I just hadn't found anything exciting to post about.  I have been busy just trying to get the house cleaned up, that there is not much in the way of creativity going on.  So, i am here to tell a little more about the WOW that has been happening in my life.  And honestly, I never intended for this blog to be a blog about my journey with God.  Farthest from my intentions, EVER.  But it just so happens that, right now, this is where the excitement is.  Now, I am not talking about the "there is a lot of activity" excitement.  No, I am talking about the kind of excitement that is happening in my heart.

So, the last time I blogged, I had talked about a new church.  I liked it, but wasn't about to get my hopes up.  OK, I don't remember, but I know that even if I didn't say it, I was thinking it!  We missed a Sunday.  I was a wee bit sad about it, because I was anxious to see if I still liked it, but then not upset, because I really dislike trying new churches out (I would like to say I hate it, but hate is such a strong word, I'll try to refrain from using it).

Anyhoo...I was at the school picking up my youngest for a dentist appointment, and in the office sat the kids' bus driver.  We began chatting about being a stay at home mom and what you are seen wearing at the bus stop in the mornings (think SpongeBob pajama pants!).  Out of the blue she asked me if we had found a church.  I sort of skirted the issue, never really knowing how people feel about it.  She mentioned she went to the church we had JUST TRIED.  She went on to tell me about the pastor, the children's activities, and so on.  She then invited us to come back for Easter.  For me, it was another little sign from God, saying "Yes, try this one again..."  So, I made plans for Easter Sunday.

Come Easter Sunday, I was excited to go to church.  That's always a good sign for me.  It was crowded, as expected, but still turned out to be a very nice service.  I was near tears many times throughout the service, and had to keep counting things (like the lights, vents, etc) to keep them at bay.  I don't exactly know why this happens to me, but I didn't want to try to explain it to anyone, especially my family.  Yep, mom is crying for no reason.  Afterwards, we made our way to the exit to get home for our Easter lunch.  On the way out the door, a greeter (are they still called a greeter even if you're leaving?) shook my husbands hand.  As I was preparing to do the same, the man, said "Aw come here and give me a hug!".  It was so totally unexpected, and yet, to me, just another sign.

I am so very comfortable sitting in the church.  Even though its only been 2 services.  I like it.  I plan to go back.  That I am looking forward to next Sunday and disappointed that I have to wait a week is a very good sign.

I continue to pray that my family will begin to feel at home there as well...

Hint, Hint...

So, right after my last post, I began thinking how I needed to find a church.  I knew that my answers were there. We have talked about finding a new church here, and even tried one out.  The dynamics of faith are different here than what we were used to, and so our options were somewhat limited.

There is a church right up the road from us (which out here is GREAT).  Even though in the past I would not have considered this church (different 'denomination' than we are used to), its foundations are the same as our previous church, so I figured there couldn't be any harm in checking it out.

So, I hopped on over to their website.  And behold, the message for Sunday was about finding God's purpose for your life.  I seriously think God dropped that one in my lap.  I decided RIGHT THEN to go to that service on Sunday.  And I enjoyed it!  I am trying to keep an open mind though.  I can sometimes get too excited about things and be all gung ho about them while others are more reserved.  I don't want to say that this will be our new church or anything, but there is a possibility it can work out.

Anyway, summed up, the message was Matthew 6:33.  "Seek first the kingdom of God"

If I can hold tight to that message, I believe my purpose will come through.  Instead of wondering what my purpose is, what it is I am supposed to be doing, asking God to drop that in my lap, I need to be spending time with Him, and through that, I will discover what it is I am supposed to be doing.

I have been in a cautiously good mood since Sunday.  I credit my time with Him.

A New Beginning...

I have started and restarted this blog. Every time I do this, there is never a purpose or direction for it. It has sat empty for over a year now. There have been some big changes in my life in that year and I have had some difficulties in dealing with them. Whenever I think I have overcome an obstacle, I realize I never quite made it.

The biggest change has to be our move. Almost 4 years ago we built a new home. We had made plans to stay there for a long time. But you know what happens whe you make plans right? Yep, I would sit on the porch, looking upand down the street, wondering who was going to be the first to move. Wouldn't be us. We were staying for a long time.

But, you guessed it. We were the first to leave. Not that we really wanted to. My husband lost his job as his company decided to go a different direction, and his position was no longer needed. And of course, this comes in the middle of a recession. Jobs were scarce.

Thankfully, my husband found a job relatively quickly. Unfortunately, it was in another state and a good 4 hours from our family. But we were afraid to pass the opportunity up. We left our home, our neighborhood, our family, and our friends. We decided to build a new home. Again. Thankfully our home sold quickly. But while our home was being built, my husband lived in an apartment near his job. The kids and I lived with my parents. We saw my husband only on the weekends. It was hard on all of us. We missed being a family, being together everyday.

Finally the day had come to move into our new home. We were again a family. But the trials were not over. I had a hard time readjusting. Part of me felt like I didn't belong, that I wasn't important. In my mind I knew this thinking was stupid, but I can't change how I felt.

Anyway, I spent my days unpacking. And unpacking. And being stressed. To the point that I was so veery impatient with others that I yelled at them for simply being in the same room with me. I could not understand why I was acting this way. I hated myself. Hated the way I was treating everyone. I wanted to be the happy mom and wife. Not the grouch everyone steered clear of. After one particularly bad afternoon, I was determined to discover what the problem was. And I came up with caffeine. I was simply having too much. It was causing my body too much stress. So I backed off the caffeine. WAY off. And wow, what a difference it made!

I became productive. I began a cleaning routine like never before. I felt as though I had a purpose. To keep the house for my family. I cooked almost everyday. And I mean real meals! I was loving my days. And I began to look for more to do. That's when I decided to volunteer and be a Girl Scout leader and start a new troop for my daughters school. I went through the initial training, set up a registration meeting, and got all my materials organized. Only there was no interest. I think the problem was that the girls were too old to jump into beginning Girl Scouts - they were 4th and 5th graders. Basketball was the big thing at the time and my main competition. After that, things went downhill.

I stopped cleaning. Oh sure, I did the dishes and laundry, but not like before. They piled up before I got to them. Other odd cleaning jobs I did around the house I stopped doing altogether. I knew what the problem was, but I just couldn't fix it. Things got slightly better when the holidays arrived. I had shopping and baking to do. A purpose. Then the holidays were over and again, things went downhill. I tried and tried to get back into my cleaning routine. But I spent more time planning my routine that I did actually following it.

And that brings me to now. After i get the kids on the bus in the morning, I have a cup of coffee and spend a little time reading email, and checking some websites that I frequent. Then I plan to be productive. But I start something and get sidetracked with TV, or a book, or a game on my DS. I tell myself that I will play or read for a few minutes and then work. But then 30minutes goes by. And by golly, I am hungry. So then I get something to eat. Check my email again. Take a nap. Repeat my TV, reading, DS thing. And then it's time for the kids to come home. Where did my day go? I feel lousy because I did nothing productive. Where is my purpose? I simply have no direction. Don't know where to get it, because honestly, I don't know why I am here. What is my plan?

At this time, I am not really sure. I am afraid to voice my thoughts. Will I be wrong? Will I jinx it? I feel that my answer lies with God. He is there. I can feel Him. But I just cannot get to Him. Where do I start? We are having a hard time finding a church. But will that fix it? Is that enough? I am afraid it is only a small part of the answer.

Right now, my plan is to jump into His word. Read it, study it. Talk with Him. He knows what His plans are for me. I believe I need to trust in Him and He will lead me to where my purpose lies. I only hope that I can persevere. I really believe that this is something I so desparately need.

I know that I want to be a good wife and mom. Cooking, cleaning, crafting, baking. To make my family happy. That is what I want. But I think I want more. To use those talents to help other people. With God's help, I know I can find out what that is exactly.

I hope to keep track of my progress here. Not only to see where I am going, but to remember where it is I came from. To where I don't want to return to. I don't like feeling this way. To feel like there is no point to my day.

My next post will hopefully be a start in the right direction...