I have started and restarted this blog. Every time I do this, there is never a purpose or direction for it. It has sat empty for over a year now. There have been some big changes in my life in that year and I have had some difficulties in dealing with them. Whenever I think I have overcome an obstacle, I realize I never quite made it.
The biggest change has to be our move. Almost 4 years ago we built a new home. We had made plans to stay there for a long time. But you know what happens whe you make plans right? Yep, I would sit on the porch, looking upand down the street, wondering who was going to be the first to move. Wouldn't be us. We were staying for a long time.
But, you guessed it. We were the first to leave. Not that we really wanted to. My husband lost his job as his company decided to go a different direction, and his position was no longer needed. And of course, this comes in the middle of a recession. Jobs were scarce.
Thankfully, my husband found a job relatively quickly. Unfortunately, it was in another state and a good 4 hours from our family. But we were afraid to pass the opportunity up. We left our home, our neighborhood, our family, and our friends. We decided to build a new home. Again. Thankfully our home sold quickly. But while our home was being built, my husband lived in an apartment near his job. The kids and I lived with my parents. We saw my husband only on the weekends. It was hard on all of us. We missed being a family, being together everyday.
Finally the day had come to move into our new home. We were again a family. But the trials were not over. I had a hard time readjusting. Part of me felt like I didn't belong, that I wasn't important. In my mind I knew this thinking was stupid, but I can't change how I felt.
Anyway, I spent my days unpacking. And unpacking. And being stressed. To the point that I was so veery impatient with others that I yelled at them for simply being in the same room with me. I could not understand why I was acting this way. I hated myself. Hated the way I was treating everyone. I wanted to be the happy mom and wife. Not the grouch everyone steered clear of. After one particularly bad afternoon, I was determined to discover what the problem was. And I came up with caffeine. I was simply having too much. It was causing my body too much stress. So I backed off the caffeine. WAY off. And wow, what a difference it made!
I became productive. I began a cleaning routine like never before. I felt as though I had a purpose. To keep the house for my family. I cooked almost everyday. And I mean real meals! I was loving my days. And I began to look for more to do. That's when I decided to volunteer and be a Girl Scout leader and start a new troop for my daughters school. I went through the initial training, set up a registration meeting, and got all my materials organized. Only there was no interest. I think the problem was that the girls were too old to jump into beginning Girl Scouts - they were 4th and 5th graders. Basketball was the big thing at the time and my main competition. After that, things went downhill.
I stopped cleaning. Oh sure, I did the dishes and laundry, but not like before. They piled up before I got to them. Other odd cleaning jobs I did around the house I stopped doing altogether. I knew what the problem was, but I just couldn't fix it. Things got slightly better when the holidays arrived. I had shopping and baking to do. A purpose. Then the holidays were over and again, things went downhill. I tried and tried to get back into my cleaning routine. But I spent more time planning my routine that I did actually following it.
And that brings me to now. After i get the kids on the bus in the morning, I have a cup of coffee and spend a little time reading email, and checking some websites that I frequent. Then I plan to be productive. But I start something and get sidetracked with TV, or a book, or a game on my DS. I tell myself that I will play or read for a few minutes and then work. But then 30minutes goes by. And by golly, I am hungry. So then I get something to eat. Check my email again. Take a nap. Repeat my TV, reading, DS thing. And then it's time for the kids to come home. Where did my day go? I feel lousy because I did nothing productive. Where is my purpose? I simply have no direction. Don't know where to get it, because honestly, I don't know why I am here. What is my plan?
At this time, I am not really sure. I am afraid to voice my thoughts. Will I be wrong? Will I jinx it? I feel that my answer lies with God. He is there. I can feel Him. But I just cannot get to Him. Where do I start? We are having a hard time finding a church. But will that fix it? Is that enough? I am afraid it is only a small part of the answer.
Right now, my plan is to jump into His word. Read it, study it. Talk with Him. He knows what His plans are for me. I believe I need to trust in Him and He will lead me to where my purpose lies. I only hope that I can persevere. I really believe that this is something I so desparately need.
I know that I want to be a good wife and mom. Cooking, cleaning, crafting, baking. To make my family happy. That is what I want. But I think I want more. To use those talents to help other people. With God's help, I know I can find out what that is exactly.
I hope to keep track of my progress here. Not only to see where I am going, but to remember where it is I came from. To where I don't want to return to. I don't like feeling this way. To feel like there is no point to my day.
My next post will hopefully be a start in the right direction...
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